100 days

It's been nearly 100 days since the birth of our sweet Hazel. 100 days of life in the NICU for both her, and us. 100 days of NICU alarms, of watching her o2 sats, her heart rate and her respiratory rate. 

100 days of heart-wrenching, heart-exploding, full blown LOVE for this teeny tiny baby that is ours. She completes us.

I've been sorely lacking in blog posts but as you can imagine everything in my life has taken a back seat to her. I wake up in the morning, shower, dress, feed the dog, and leave the house with my hair still wet while doing a mental checklist in my head "milk. yes. laundry. yes. phone. yes." nothing else matters. Milk, laundry, phone. And I start my hour and a half commute into New Westminster. Once there I say goodmorning to our sweet girl, then pump, then get into whatever the day has in store for us. Some days, it's all snuggles and pumping, diaper changes (which involve moments of Hazel screaming at me), and skin to skin. Other days it involves medical procedures: injections into her eyes (saved her from needing laser eye surgery), echocardiograms, ultrasounds, bloodwork, or on one occasion a transfer to BC Children's Hospital from the Infant Transport Team to see the cardiologist with the intention of closing the open valve in her heart (that has yet to actually happen since her narrow aorta makes it too much of a risk until she grows more). Then, at the end of the day I head home around 6:30pm... I've been there since 7:30/8:00 and I feel like it's only been 4 hours. I then make the hour and a half drive home where I pump, have dinner, pump again and go to sleep, waking up every 3 hours to pump some more. 

Wake up. Repeat. 

I'm not complaining, in fact I'm SO grateful to be doing this for her because it means she is with us. She is thriving. But I've realized that somewhere along the way I became so out of touch with life around me, and one of Hazel's nurses reminded me the other day that this is temporary. This journey in the NICU won't last forever, and eventually we will be home with our baby. It's silly to believe we can or will "go back" to our life because having a baby in itself changes your lives, but having a micro preemie - that changes you. 

Since my last post Hazel has changed so much! She now weighs 4 lbs - which is more than 4 times her birthweight! She is off of her ventilator and on a machine called CPAP, one step closer to breathing entirely on her own. She graduated to a big girl crib from the incubator, started wearing clothes, has regular baths and she cries! My goodness for a little one with so much scar tissue on her lungs she's sure got a good set when it comes to letting us know that we are late for her feeds! 

It's difficult to wrap my head around the fact that my due date with Hazel is 3 weeks away yet on Wednesday she'll already be 100 days old. I want to thank you for your support and love for Hazel and her journey! The love she has been blanketed in from around the world as I've shared her journey has been heart warming, and overwhelming to think there are so many people thinking about her and cheering her on. 

With Love,

Ash